Thursday, March 17, 2016

For The Lost Soul

What do I call myself as? A blogger?  I don't write very often, I'm not a full time blogger. An Influencer? I'm not quite an influencer myself. What am I? I don't even know. I'm a 20 year old girl with a lost wondering soul. I often want to do something great but I often hold myself back by unknown unsettling thoughts in my head. A minute, I'm motivated to create and make something amazing, and another minute, I just want to hide or run away from the norms especially nights like these. One week, I can be really busy trying to be amazing and be great, another week, I just want to hide in under my blanket or take a plane and fly to another country where not a single soul know who am I.

I'm very heartbroken, in fact, it is very broken that I hardly feel. Blessed to those who is able to feel love, sadness and anger. I'm very heartbroken by a lot of things, mainly because of myself, I teared a little thinking how I gave efforts to people I love only to know they'll turn their back against me one day.  I'm very heartbroken the fact that I know that you can't trust anyone, because even the person you trust the most will take your trust for granted even they know how hard it is to earn your trust. I'm very heartbroken the fact that I'm a very broken and shattered person, I'm flawed in so many ways, I have so many dark secrets that I am not very proud of. I may laughed about it when people talked about it, but really, it's the most shameful thing I ever did that sometimes I beat myself way too hard for it. How foolish of me thinking it was cool? I tell people my secrets not knowing that it would spread like wildfire, and yet, I closed one side of my eye and pretended that all of that did not happened. Sometimes I hid my darkest secrets so hard, sometimes it'll haunt me late at night, I wished there were someone that I can trust to tell these darkest secrets to ease my soul. Funny how all the sins I committed, too much of it, I tend to forget until one day someone came to me and remind me of it. Maybe that's one way of me to stay happy, is to forgive myself and put all the bad past locked behind. People may condemned me for what I've done, but if I don't stay ignorant and be mercy of myself, will I still be alive and well today?

I may be all happy, and all cheerful but there are thoughts in my head that keep me awake at night. Who could save me from my thoughts? You? No, no one can save me from my thoughts other than myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a depressed person. In fact, I'm alright, and it is okay to feel lost once in awhile in your life. If you followed my social media, you would know that I'm a very busy person, I like to keep myself occupied and being around with people I love to keep me company in this lonely journey of life. One day I could go to class and the next thing you know I'm in some events, and the next thing you'll see I'm in the club, dancing my nights away. However, whenever I get home, it gets really lonely, with no family around me and with no familiar people around me, all I have is me and I know I have to face the thoughts that I locked so far away deeply in my mind. I like being productive and I like being busy, I like having fun, wait no, correction, I LOVE having fun, I like being around with people, but sometime I forget to reconnect with my own soul. Most people wouldn't understand the feeling of what I'm feeling but really, everyone has a soul, and to have a happy soul, you need to feed the soul, by doing that, you need to reconnect with the soul, reconnect with yourself, be with yourself, understand and love yourself. Hear yourself, and understand what you are and what you truly want inside. That is why I took this leap of faith to hop unto a flight and fly to a foreign country where not a single soul knows my identity this end of the month. I want to explore the beauty of the world and reconnect with myself again. Many of us tend to use the self destructive methods to forget our problems such as abusing alcohols, drugs, and etc. Sure, it does make you forget for awhile, but at the end of the day, you'll need to face it again. It is okay to be broken, and lost, it is okay to not feel great, it is okay to make mistakes. You just need to take the courage and be by yourself with your own thoughts to find yourself and do understand what you truly want, and that is what I am doing right now. Many of my friends asked me why am I not in a relationship yet, the thing is, I'm not ready, not because I have not moved on yet, it is because I spent such a long time thinking about the other person during my relationship and my world was revolved around the other person, and I feel being out of it gave me a chance to reconnect with myself. Why let another person walked into my life so quickly when I'm not completely in love and be in my content self yet? Why do I have to hear the other person's thoughts when I'm not done hearing my own thoughts? I'll take this time to do things I want to do and do things that's good for my soul, until a person that truly deserve me walks in.I'd rather be in a relationship when I'm truly in love than being in a relationship that I know will not last just to occupy my lonely heart. Don't worry about being in love, I'm sure I will one day especially when I'm content and truly reconnect with myself.

I don't always write about thoughts and feelings in this blog but where can I express these thoughts out other than this humble space? For you lost soul that is reading this, it is okay to be lost, it is okay to feel broken and shattered, it is okay to feel like you're not doing anything great, it is okay. It's just life, let go, and let everything falls into place. If you feel like the world is not in your favour, good or bad, it is where you are exactly need to be. Get off your phone, put down that glass of whiskey and sober up, and truly ask yourself this, "What do I really want?"

Till Then,


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