Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Confession of a dreamchaser

I know I've been neglecting my blog a lot lately and I'm actually trying hard to maintain my blog statistics like usual days but you know sometime you have no inspiration to write about anything and everything at all because of college assignments and exams keep pouring in constantly and having a blogshop trying to keep up with customers and stocks and whatnot and I have some personal life that I need to take care of like my relationships, friends and family, and there I have to maintain my blog.

I know it sounded a little cheesy, sounded like it's some kind of excuses of that I always use whenever I neglect my blog, the truth is I don't know where I stand anymore. I always have the passion to blog ever since I was form 2 and started blogging about my life and routine that made my views reached 7,000 a day.  I was so excited back then because even though I did not have commercial or paid blog post, I was just enjoying doing what I love, which is sharing my thoughts to the my readers. Sure, before I made this far to the point that I get paid in my post, I had haters and people being judgemental in my hometown that affected me that made me lost my self esteem to blog because I was told I was attention seeking for having a blog or a facebook fan page, I stopped blogging for a year because it hurts me for seeing people or your close friends being judgemental and finds you back when you were known for your work. The truth is, I love attention and I'm sure everyone loves attention, it's just human nature, but honestly I don't blog because I wanted to be famous, I blog because I just love writing down my everyday life. One hate comments would bring me down so bad that I would cry to sleep or even not able to go out from home because the thoughts of people secretly hates you but treat you super nice, scares me. I have hundreds over facebook friends, but true friends I only have a few, I talked to hundreds over people but then only less than 10 people actually cares. It scares me when I go back to my hometown, people that used to hate me for me suddenly treats me like they're my best friends. You think that no one knows your secret but actually thousands of people actually knows your secret, scary isn't it? You walked around town doing your thing expect no one knows you, but actually there were at least 1-3 out of 10 people actually watching whatever you were doing. Which made me so scared that I had to stay low and stop blogging, but the hates never stop.

So I started blogging again in the beginning of last year but my blogging style kind of change and most of my post were advertorial, I love advertorial and my clients I love all of them, because of them I don't have to struggle with finance at all. But, you know I feel that I'm not myself anymore in my blog, it's not because of my clients, it's because of me, I was too overwhelmed about my busy life in school and events, I forgotten how my readers like it when I just blog about my normal daily lives in school I forgotten how I like to share or talk to my readers about my emotion and how I pour my feelings to my readers and how I love to write everything nonstop from lifestyle and fashion because honestly even if I surround by a lot of people I feel like I am alone, I tried to tell people about my feelings about how I cannot cope with everything and how I constantly feel so lost that I feel like giving up and shut out from everything, but it feels like i'm just bothering them. I find them because they are the people that I genuinely trust because it's hard to pour my feelings out but actually no one genuinely care, so this why here I am writing my feelings out because it feels better that way.

I am lonely, I thought that being alone away from family is something that I can do, something that helps me be independent. It sure does make me independent, but at some point of a lifetime, when you're having a bad day, you just wish that your parents were there. Even if you did not tell them what's going on, the presence of having your parents make you feel secure. I am alone, in this city, in a house full of stranger, everyday I come home, I feel miserable and lonely and the one that really keeps me company is my phone. I feel so unsafe at time because it's a dangerous world out there which made me feel so miserable all the time and I feel so uninspired, which made me want to give up on blogging, school and everything to actually reorganize my life. I even ignore all the proposal and the awesome opportunity from big brands and I ignored them. I feel devastated viewing my own blog stats that it wasn't as great as it was, and watching it going down but then I didn't do anything about it because I felt so uninspired all the time. I am the type of person that when something fails, I'll quit working hard for it and made me labeled myself as "half-way-done". I am good but I wanted to be great, but when something goes wrong, I fall hard and lost my self esteem and constantly feel like I am a failure. I tend to stop on the things I failed to do because I am so scared to fail again. To be honest I'm a quitter.

But one day as I read through or watch through inspirational video of some of my friends or people I looked up to achieved, I realize that I shouldn't quit. I realize that this is what I love to do and why would I quit because of a little glitch in a long journey of success. I will never shut down my blog because this is what I love to do. Without my blog, I wouldn't have met these amazing people around me. I wouldn't have such awesome readers around me. I never realized all the amazing people around me, because I was blinded by hateful comments, stress, and packed schedule and I actually meet some of you that really enjoyed reading my blog but I betray you guys because I didn't update as much as I used to, but I am honestly grateful that even if I wasn't the famous and awesome celebrity blogger like someone else, I really appreciate some of my loyal readers really appreciate my "half-way-done" work. It's so amazing that through blogging, I know all the amazing people that can make me better than who I am today, and have a chance of most people don't get. Some bloggers tried their hardest being a really constant and effective blogger but also didn't get the chance t that I as a lazy blogger have, which made me constantly feel grateful and make me keep writing and sharing my thoughts. I just want to thank all of you that read and support me all the day and also thank the haters that stated my flaws which help me to improve myself to be a better person. If you have haters as well, don't feel like the world is facing their back on you there are actually few people that actually cares and loves you and those people are the people that will be with you till the end. " Those who matter don't mind, Those who mind doesn't matter."

I know that this post is a really draggy and long post, and usually not the post that I would share to my readers but I just feel the need to pour and give a valid reason why am I not being a very good blogger which I am ashamed of these days. I always wanted to give up in certain days but I came to realize that this is what I love to do since my younger days sharing my life story to people and be inspiration to many, I had to went through all the hates and judgement to finally be brave enough to expose myself to the world again. Although I am not there yet where I wanted to be which is able to be an inspiration but I am almost there. I just have to strive harder and change my way of my thinking from negative to everything positive. I will still keep telling stories through my blog and try my best to keep this blog alive.

Thank you everyone for all the love and support. You know, It's okay to fail, because failure is a stepping stone to success. If one day you fall, remember why you even did this in the first place. Run hard and chase your dreams, don't let the judgement and failure get to you, one day you'll realize the pain and hard work are all worth it and I just want to thank my readers that just started reading my blog or was here ever since I started, or even read to hate me ( I don't know why but that's life lol ). It keep me moving forward. Thank you so much.

That's all and love all of you. Good luck xx



  1. Hi Alvy, I was blog hopping and I stopped right here, reading this post.
    I am a girl with the same dreams as you :-). I understand how it feels and how blogging is so important for us.
    So, never give up, go on. I believe soon that you will achieve your dreams. Never give up.

    Love, Victoria.

    1. I just saw this, and thank you so much. you made my day! you too, don't give up!


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